Friday, February 17, 2006

Some of the best Quotes from Jim Gaffigan

"Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, but when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers?"
"I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event!'"
"I only dated one asian girl, but she was very asian, she was a panda.'"
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"
"Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!"
"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad, it still smells like fish?! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"
"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea."
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, "Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet."

Many thanks to the fine folks at


Blogger Portnoy said...

This guy is funny. I've heard him several times on the Comedy Channel of my XM radio and I nearly drive off the road laughing.

At least I'd die laughing though...

Better than driving off the road listening to the Old Time Mystery hour before the show is over and never finding out who killed Mrs. Oddwinkle and her cat....

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